Random Rambling(s)

I never imagined I'd get back to blogging because I had to ramble.
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Lots of my friends have been taking further studies lately. One is taking masters in education, one got a grant in Hong Kong, one has left for an MBA in Singapore (Hi Tin!) and another will be leaving for an MBA in Paris.

I'm so envious! But it's a good kind of envy. It's like this. I'm pretty sure I don't want an MBA. I'm tired of studying anything about business. Four years in college is enough for me. I wanna study something new. This brings me back to my art studies dreams.

Two years ago, I applied for a masters program in art studies. The first hurdle was a written exam. It was a fight or flight moment for me. I had no idea what they were asking me to explain in the essay questions. I felt so dumb, clueless, and totally out of place. The 12 others in the room were all buried in their papers, writing frantically while I stared at a blank paper for a good 30 minutes deciding if I should pretend I have LBM or write lyrics of songs so I can pretend to be answering the test. One of the applicants even asked for more sheets of paper from the proctor while I scraped my brain for at least one sensible sentence that I can write. The essay required at least 300 words per question. I thought, okay I will not pretend I have an upset stomach because it would totally suck if they remember me as the girl who left because she got LBM sa sobrang nerbyos. I will write whatever thought enters my mind. When I finally started writing, I had 82 words. The next question I had 136. Clearly, very far from the minimum of 300 words. In business school, we were trained to deliver a point in less than two minutes. Less words, clearer message, bigger impact. So I figured, well, this is how I think. I hate paligoy-ligoy. I hate bullshit essays. Maybe if I can make a point in 82 words, they'll forget the fact that I said it in 82 words.

I left the exam room first. Not because I was the fastest thinker but because I had nothing else to write. I felt dumb. Hopeless. Ridiculous. What was I thinking? A business grad taking up art studies masters? KALOKA. I wanted to cry. On my bus ride home, I was on the verge of tears. I had to say goodbye to art studies. It wasn't for me. Side story: I was so preoccupied in stopping my tears that I did not notice I was seated beside an old, blind man. I only noticed him when he kept bugging the bus conductor to let him off at Litex. He then asked me 'Iha, asan na tayo?' Ay, malayo pa po sa bababaan niyo. 'Sa Litex ako bababa.' Sige po sasabihan ko kayo. As we approached Litex I told him 'Malapit na po. Eto po, Litex na. Ingat po kayo. The blind man grasped my left hand and smiled and said salamat. GOD I lost it then and there. My tears flowed and I kept trying to pull myself together because my sight was so blurry and I had to get off the next stop. The blind man reminded me what the Three Idiots keep telling us. ALL IS WELL. We gotta make do with what we have. We gotta make it work.

While waiting for the results of the written exam (that was around three weeks), I thought (1) I totally sucked at the written exam. I'm not gonna pass. *cries/ goodbye art studies dreams* (2) maybe I shouldn't qualify for the program because I had the wrong reasons for applying for it.

Which leads me to my sub-topic. What were my reasons for applying? Let me make it clear (to myself, haha) I knew even in undergrad school that I loved Art Studies. Without a doubt. I took every art studies undergrad class available. I'd like to think it was an interest waiting to be discovered. I didn't know I was passionate about it until I noticed I've been taking so much classes! But as to why I applied? (1) I hated work. Even if I was only required to show up in the office twice a week, I hated it. I felt I wasn't learning. That anybody can practically do what I was doing, for a fraction of my salary. I was replaceable! (2) Because I hated it, I sucked at it. More and more each day. You know the feeling of doing something because the job feeds you and you have bills to pay? That's exactly how I felt. (3) Despite being the child of the boss, I did not feel I was being mentored well by the seniors at work. In hindsight though, maybe I felt that way because I hated it in the first place- therefore rejecting every single chance that I can learn. I took each 'sermon' as a personal attack, I took each sermon from my daddy boss as a sign of disappointment. I took it as a daughter, not an employee. (4) I felt the seniors expect me to takeover one day. No one bothered to ask if I wanted to do this until I get old. I felt everyone thought it was a predestined path. That I will learn everything the moment they tell me about it. (Uhm, in school, we'd learn it if we keep doing it. And personally, the biggest lessons stick to my mind if I learned it through a big blunder like failing a quiz because I forgot the capital of Finland. Now I'll never forget Helsinki.)

So I thought, okay I'm escaping something. I'm not taking Art Studies because I wanna learn. Of course I want to learn. But I had other (bigger) motives. I thought, I could always use my classes as an alibi to skip going to work. That I had projects to research, exams to study for, and I planned to recycle practically every alibi my undergrad college self used to escape chores and errands at home.

Just a day after the exam, I realized I would never pass it and I needed a backup plan. Which isn't really much of a backup because the plan was to continue working.

So it's more of a change in perspective. I should change the way I see it. I have to consider the number of employees we have. Multiply it by 5 (average family size, assuming they are breadwinners). That's the total number of people the business 'supports'. I had to imagine how many children are able to go to school because we employ their father or mother. Then BOOM! It's not just me anymore. It's us now. I work because we have over a hundred mouths to feed. Because the kids need to buy pencils and papers and get a decent education so they become productive citizens in the future. Because the parents of our employees are retired and our employees rely on their benefits to provide them with healthcare.

And boy, a change in perspective definitely did wonders. When I make mistakes, I apologize and learn from it (sometimes on the fifth offense of the same booboo hehe) because if everyone else is doing their jobs right, I owe it to them that I do mine correctly. Because I hated getting scolded by daddy boss, I am more careful with the work I do. Which leads to less mistakes.

Now I've embraced the two to three days office reporting. You see, daddy boss is not a believer in 5-day workweek. If you have nothing to do in the office, don't go. It's better than showing up everyday and pretending to be productive. It also saves the office some operational costs - less electronics plugged in when there are less people, less lights switched on, less petty cash expense on food, and more efficient days for everyone. We get things done on two days versus spreading out the five things you can do today into a one task each day.

I still have lazy days but when I get lazy I just tell myself 'get up early today, sleep all morning tomorrow.' Not everyone has that perk! I appreciate the fact that I can afford to oversleep on a Monday. That while 90% of the working population have to get up extra early on Mondays to make it to flag ceremony on time, I can work from home and choose the time I want to shower. And on days that I need to report on a Monday, I don't mind (most of the time hehe). My self-absorbed, I'll-take-masters-to-avoid-work self would think "I owe this free Monday to daddy boss." Today, I'd like to think of it as '50% I still owe to daddy boss, 50% I earned it! I finish urgent tasks before Friday to make sure I have nothing I need to rush on a Monday.

Okay, whoa. That's a lot of rambling. I had to get it off my chest.

Now, I'm ready to give art studies another chance (if Universe allows). I am not escaping anything this time. Just really pursuing a passion.

P.S.
A week after all my realizations and 'perspective rehab', I found out I passed the exam. hahaha! But I skipped the interview because I realized I had to execute my new game plan first. And I felt maybe I just needed to suck at the written exam to realize everything (see ramblings above.)

P.P.S.
The Finland-Helsinki example didn't really happen to me. That's just an example. I got that from the Anchor Milk tv ad. hehe