Perfect!

Last night I made a last minute decision to attend the party that some August birthday friends organized.

I had a grand time laughing and catching up with everyone. Some friends brought their 'plus one' which made us singles discuss how we feel. A lot of us are okay but excited to fall in love. Some worry if they'll ever find one, and some just wanted to take things as they come.

Anyway, at mass earlier this evening, I just heard the perfect homily.

The reading said something like 'Ang nauuna ay mahuhuli, at ang nahuhuli ay mauuna.' (So the last will be first, and the first last.")

(read the complete gospel here)

Our parish priest, one of my favorites, Father Luciano shared a few stories in the homily.

He told us about his older sister who got married at the age of 26 but did not bear a child until she is 40. Another child just a few months ago. She is 44 now. She would cry to Father Luciano during the years that they were trying to get pregnant.

There is another woman who works at the parish. Father Luciano said 'Itong babaeng ito, mas matanda pa sa akin. Wala man lang kilalang naging boyfriend, ni crush wala. As in mula ulo hanggang paa, dalagang dalaga talaga. Akala namin at akala rin niya yun na ang tadhana niya. Eto ngayon, nagbakasyon sa Bicol. Siguro madaming bulag sa Bicol, nakaloko tuloy si ate. Ngayong November, ako ang magkakasal sa kanila.'

Yung mga nawawalan ng pag-asa, wag kayo susuko. Kasi hindi titigil ang Diyos, hahanapin ka niya para ibigay ang nararapat. Do not give in to the temptation of depression. Keep hoping. The Lord

I couldn't help but chuckle. I said to Joop 'Oh, magkaka boyfriend pa ako!' to which he replied 'Pag 40 ka na rin?' NAKAKAASAR! HAHAHA

But, yes Lord! I will wait. And while I'm at it, I'll work on being the person I want to be. And just enjoying the company of awesome people. :)

For more good read for the singles, here's one of my favorite blogs about life. http://everyday-isa.com/ Most of what she writes feel like my thoughts put into words. (Because I'm a better speaker than a writer.)

heart photo from blackmeetswhite.blog.com

HAPPY! Part 2

Dinner with my sibs, Julian, Sarah, cousins and Tito Gerry.

Me, Julian, Jom

All is well. :)

HAPPY! Part 1

I tried to delay deciding on wether I should show up at my masters program interview or not because it's an office day (Wednesday). I had to learn a new software, input some data to get things started, and really focus on finishing whatever needs to be done at the office. During the bus ride on my way home however, I realized I need to think about it already. Because I am such a girl, I changed my mind around 27 times during that bus ride. (No, I didn't count. I just feel like putting a figure out there. hehe)

I take the MRT from Magallanes to Trinoma every Wednesday. I'd rather be squished for 40 minutes (yes I timed it) than sit comfortably in a bus for 2 hours. If I'm lucky and arrive at the station before 4 pm, I am able to sit in the train. EDSA traffic is just horrible. Plus, the MRT is much more interesting than the bus. There are different people to observe, so much involuntary eavesdropping (and throwing thought bubbles about my take on the topic) haha. I'd take that over a boring, ass-flattening, classic FPJ or Vic Sotto-film viewing EDSA bus ride. (Provincial buses show pretty good movies though. I once rode a bus that showed Fast and the Furious 5 so I didn't have to watch it in the cinema.)

Sorry I have so much sub-kwentos. :) Aaaanyway! During the train ride, I didn't give the interview much thought because it was cramped, I was standing, and I was in a non-female coach. (The first four coaches of the train are exclusive for women, senior citizens and people with little kids. I hopped in a regular coach because I was rushing and didn't have time to run to the front.) When I got to the mall, I tried to distract myself by shopping. I ended up not buying anything even if I liked one shirt at Zara because I wasn't in the mood to spend. I mind was elsewhere.

I gave up and decided 'In case I change my mind at the last minute, I need to be pretty! (I know, I know, walang konek.) So I rushed to the FX terminal for a ride to SM Fairview where I can redeem my prepaid diamond peel session. I finished just in time for the mall's closing. When I got home, I picked two outfits just in case I want to go. I even washed my jeans.

Before I slept, I prayed to God to help me decide. I begged for an IN YOUR FACE sign. But anything will do, really. Told myself kung ano nararamdaman ko bukas ng umaga, yun ang desisyon ko. And then I went to sleep.

When I woke up, I delayed checking the time because if it was before or around 11 am, it means I have enough time to go to my interview. Anything past that, I'll end up haggard coz I'd be rushing. I gave up trying to go back to sleep. When I checked my watch, it was just 10:48. Ohgaaad. But I didn't take that as the sign. The big sign was how I felt and at that point, I felt heavy (okay, please don't take that literally!), I felt lazy. So I said 'okay I'm not going. If I need to drag my ass to leave this room, then my heart isn't totally into this.'

I assembled baked macaroni for lunch. (Yes, assembled because all I had to cook was the pasta.) I decided I'd eat in front of the TV. I checked the time, it was only 11:20- still enough time to change my mind. Just when I was about to take my first bite, it started to rain. It was a strong downpour. I instantly knew it was the in your face sign I begged for. If you know me, I hate the rain. It dirties my shoes, it causes traffic, and if super strong, my roof would leak. So I don't leave the house when it's raining.

Thank you Lord. :)

Little Miss Undecided

Last August 18 I took an exam as part of the application process for the masters program in Art Studies. For the longest time I wanted to study the arts so I can be its 'ambassador'. But it took them so long to inform applicants about the exam. And when they did, it was just three days before the date. The long wait and short notice made me rethink about going.

Well, I showed up anyway.

But after that exam, I knew instantly I was doomed. It was so difficult, I was clueless, and I could not fulfill the requirements of the essay (such as a 300 to 600 word essay for each question). My essays were at the average, 190 words. I was that clueless. I ranted to friends and even on twitter how I wanted to excuse myself and never come back to the exam room because I had nothing to write on my test paper!

Almost all my plans were based on the assumption that I was going back to school next semester. But that difficult exam made me shift priorities. Days after the exam, I started focusing real hard on work. I really exerted extra effort to understand the system and fix the inefficiencies. I want to have a smooth work system so I can look forward to working and earning and then investing and spending my money! I told myself I can always be an advocate of the arts. Since I'm not enrolling, I'll just focus on work, travel, and good shoes. I was personifying my new mantra 'ALWAYS MOVE FORWARD' to the letter.

Fast forward: Imagine my surprise when last Friday I received an email that I passed the exam and am up for interview.

My tweet right after reading the email.

Thing is, I DID NOT FEEL EXCITED AT ALL! I am happy, yes! Coz at least I'm not so dumb after all. But all I had was that 'Uy, seryoso pumasa ako? Nice!' - feeling. And then I knew I was in trouble.

I hate to admit this but I had other motivations for going back to school. One, at the time I was so into the idea, I just wanted to escape work. I wanted to rebel and tell my bosses 'you can't keep me here!' Two, I thought that whatever it is that I was afraid of doing back in college, I can do now. The third one, I'll keep to myself. I had the perfect reason why I wanted to study the arts- to push for arts and culture. I had the wrong motivation. Pushing for the arts was not enough. All all these is against 'moving forward'. It's like I'm buying time to 'extend' college.

But I came to realize that what I did not do in college, I cannot do now as 'pang bawi'. That I cannot keep making decisions based on temporary things and temporary people. I don't want to escape work anymore.

As of this writing, I feel like if I show up at the interview, it's only because I'd like to finish what I started with no intention to enroll. If I don't show up, wala lang. Maybe I'll line up for a cheer dance ticket or get a massage.

I don't want to let down the people who believe in me. Then again I cannot decide based on how others will think of me.

I'm disappointed. I feel like I never wanted anything so bad that I'd kill for it. Love, maybe. Can't really tell coz I have never been madly in love.

Yesterday Bianca Gonzales wrote 'my name is bianca, traveler, and i collect tumbling shots. i dream to tumble in many, many more places. :)

what is your passion, and what is your dream? :)'

Guess what? I can't answer it. Can you help me? Can you tell me what I'm good at? Coz I feel like I'm that girl who can do a little bit of everything, and have no expert skill to trade for if my life was on the line.

l

Hong Kong and Me

I'm back from a tiring but fun weekend in Hong Kong! Fa and I booked it randomly one night when Cebu Pacific announced a seat sale.

That's our view of Nathan Road from our window.

Anyway, I will not dwell on the details of the trip but rather, I'd like to list the things I discovered about myself during the trip.

1. I finally found my 'biggest' fear. It's getting lost (especially when you do not speak the local language). Weeks before the trip, I prepared out our itinerary, making sure I listed every turn and block we should not miss. I also had multiple copies of maps in my bag during the trip just in case we lose one. I guess that's the Taurus in me. I hate unfamiliarity. But I'm trying to push myself. Now I leave room for getting lost. It makes life interesting.

At Lan Kwai Fong, Central.

Sports cars are a common sight. High rollers, why not!

2. Found out I snore! Fa told me I was snoring during the plane ride back to Manila. HAHAHA I think it only happens when I'm dead tired and when I'm not in prone position.

3. I (still) want a new career. Not as an Art Studies student and teacher anymore. I've long accepted I failed the entrance exam. hehe Now I want to work in Disney! I want to be a performer there. haha I realized this when we watched the Lion King Festival. You see Lion King is my favorite (Non-princess) Disney movie. I'd watch it every weekend on VHS back when I was a kid (alternating it with Power Rangers sometimes). I knew in my heart I could sing those songs! Heck, I know them by heart. I know it's not the most glamorous job but it looks fun, exciting, and light! Disney is our version of Neverland!

The finale of Lion King.

No photo op session with the cast. :( We were led out of the hall right after the show.

That's about it I guess. I've been singing Disney songs since I got back last Sunday. Nakakaloka! If this does not wane off, I guess I really want to be in Disney. HAHA There's actually an audition for performers in HK in September 18. That would be very impractical though because: 1) I do not have money to book myself a ticket, 2) I am not prepared. I do not have an audition piece. I can sing, yes! But to set myself apart from the rest of the hopefuls, I should also prepare a spiel and maybe a dance number! HAHA CAREEEER! And 3) Maybe this is just a phase. Punky plans on auditioning too. She's an awesome dancer and has lots of friends who are now performers at Disney. Pretty cool noh? Punks suggested we wait for the Manila auditions. Last year they held one here, in partnership with Ballet Philippines, if I remember it right.

Anyway, one last photo I'd like to share.

The Abyss at Ocean Park taken from the highest point of the Ferris Wheel.

We rode the Abyss. Basically it takes you to the highest part of the tower at top speed and after a few seconds of anticipation, you are released and left practically free falling. You stop a few meters above the ground, go up again by a few meters, and then fall again. THAT WAS THE CRAZIEST 30 SECONDS OF MY LIFE.

*All my photos were taken using my Xperia Mini pro. I didn't bring my SLR since it was too heavy to lug around everywhere.

Hey you, twenty-two!

I'm a year older! Usually a 'huhuhu' would follow this but I don't see why I should sulk about this. I'm wiser, happier, and crazier. This year's been awesome so far- including my birthday.

Ever since I was a kid, I never celebrated my birthday the way other kids do. I'm a summer celebrator so I can't invite my classmates. I can't hold parties in school too. Back then, we'd hold parties at home. My mom would invite the kids from the barong-barong at the back of the house that we were renting.

In high school my parents would give me money so I can treat my friends to lunch. That's totally fine with me. I get awkward when people hover and sing happy birthday and watch you smile and blow the candles.

In college, the only time I took my friends out for my birthday celebration was on my 18th.

This year was a liiiittle different. Like I've tweeted countless of times, I've been hanging out in the Maginhawa area a lot lately. I love it so much there that I helped three friends to find an apartment so I can crash anytime! haha

My birthday was a Monday so working friends are not available. I had no plans at all except that we have dinner and drinks so the three of us can catch up. I arrived at Pino before Nano and Mau did so I sat there at their al fresco area all alone. Thirty minutes later, they arrived and Nano did a grand entrance by singing happy birthday on his own, out loud for everyone else to hear. KALOKA! haha

After dinner we walked to Delish for drinks. It was a quiet Monday at Delish. Monday is their reggae night but that night, they had a new duo performing. We had weng-weng pitcher for starters. We got another pitcher- Kamikazee this time. A little later Babes, one of our favorite waitresses at Delish, came out from the kitchen with a small cake with a huuuuge cake. Mau, Nano and I have this inside joke about cakes and candles so I immediately figured out what was gonna happen. All I can say is pinagpawisan talaga ako sa surprise nila! hahahaha Crazy people talaga.

After the candle blowing ceremony, they made me sing in front. I couldn't pick a song so the singer Joyce picked 'Get me' by Oleta Adams for me to sing. WHAT IS HINDI KO ALAM? HAHA! I know the song but it was so hard to sing with a live accompaniment. The song ended up to be an instrumental version. hahaha This next song I though I must redeem myself. I picked the classic Buttercup, followed by California Girls. OHA? HAHAHA! I told Joyce and Marie (the pianist) that California Girls will be the last but I saw familiar faces at the door and recognized them immediately. I whispered to Joyce 'Isa pa. Tulungan mo ko kantahin ha, ayoko mapahiya. Anjan yung crush ko.' HAHAHAHA!

Taking inspiration from Caroline of Vampire Diaries, I picked Eternal Flame. OH MY GOD. KINARIR KO NA TALAGA. haha While I was singing, I could see Mau inviting their group over to our table. When I was done singing, they were already seated at our table. WHAT IS HAPPY BIRTHDAY DIBA? I think we shared four buckets of beer and three plates of potato parmesan and onion rings.

I cannot recall everything we talked about but football was a huge chunk of it. It was fun. Really. I couldn't feel my cheeks. I had office on Tuesday but I couldn't care less. That night was perfect as it is.

My wish this year is nothing new. It's always been on my Christmas list, but is always ranked last. I've always thought my other Christmas wishes are more important. Just this once, I'm being selfish. I'm claiming this wish and it's all I ever want to have at this point.

***

A few days ago Mau and I were talking about missing someone so baaadly. I said 'Nafifeel ko na talaga teh, malapit na. Magkikita na kami sa May 16. ITAGA MO SA BATO.' Oh my God. Nagkatotoo. May bonus pa. Ang saya!

This year has been awesome so far. LOOKING FORWARD TO THE NEXT MONTHS! :D

P.S. SORRY, NO PHOTOS! :)

Just because.

So much has happend since I last posted but it's too much that I cannot even find the energy to write about it. It's basically just me spending so much time out with different groups of friends, meeting new people, and hanging out a little too much in Maginhawa Street. It's practically my second home in the last two weeks.

Anyway, earlier this evening I was blog-hopping and had a random thought. I cannot wait for the day that I'm so rich that my only must do in life is wake up and breathe. Hahaha Ang labo. And when that day comes, I'd love to send my friends little gifts on random days just because.

I like and miss doing things just because I feel like doing it. The I-don't-care-what-people-think sort of randomness. It makes me feel more human. More alive. But I hate to say that I'm such a chicken when it comes to randomness. Ever since work got serious, I've been more serious, more calculative, more careful with the things I do. I'd have to think and rethink decisions, even the minor ones. I just miss living life the way I think it should be lived.

I remember telling myself after the Japan quake that in this day and age, nothing is certain and I should start living my life as I envisioned it. Where'd all my guts go now?

*Photo from tumblr.com

On eating alone

Yesterday I had lunch at CPK and ordered my ultimate favorite Thai Crunch Salad. I walked in and the waitress asked 'Table for how many, ma'am?' I said one. It was already 1 pm, a little late for lunch but there were three other couches occupied. The one I sat nearest to was a couple, the two couches on the opposite side were a family and two ladies.

So there I was in the couch, conveniently seated facing their overhead plasma TV and open kitchen, waiting for my Thai crunch salad.

I personally don't mind eating alone. I have a friend who'd rather starve than eat alone. Me? I eat if I have to and when I want to. Aside from the physical evidence of my eating principle (haha), eating alone was never an issue to me because I have reasons to enjoy eating alone.

1. I can revel in the silence and focus on the food.

2. No need for small talks to keep conversations afloat.

3. I can take time watching the dynamics of the restaurant or the people eating

4. There are a lot of things I can observe when I eat alone. Like the details of the restaurant design (CPK's walls have framed pizza boxes), or how overpriced my meal is (but you'll pay just the same because you cannot replicate it at home).

5. When I'm alone and without distraction (like Internet or TV), I get to reevaluate my life, my goals, dreams, plans and random thoughts that pop into your head while observing people.

So yeah, I don't mind eating alone.

I just don't want to eat alone forever.

Teachers and teaching

When I was a kid, I wanted to become a cashier. I thought they get all the money we give when we buy stuff. Of course it didn't take long to realize it's not too cool a job to be a cashier.

When I was in grade 6, I wanted to become a teacher. I had the best teachers so I wanted to become like them.

When I got into high school, I got turned off with my student teachers so I lost interest in becoming a teacher. Don't get me wrong though. My teachers were good- but you see I attended high school in a state university where senior college students taking up Education are 'trained' to teach in the grade school and high school departments. Many times I get impatient with ineffective student teachers. Or overly strict ones. Or those who simply lack common sense. I'd get into 'diplomatic' arguments with them whenever I couldn't understand what they were explaining. Quite a few times in Physics class I kept 'arguing', not because I didn't understand but because I felt she's the one who's confused. We have books so it was pretty easy to sense if she was telling us the right stuff. I wanted our argument to become an 'AAAAH GETS!' moment for my other classmates. Until our real teacher (her supervisor) noticed I was asking too much. He intervened and ask what's up. So I explained my question and my answer to that question to my teacher. Bottom line: I was right, so he let our student teacher sit at the back of the room and took over the lesson and explained the problem the same way I explained it to him and my student teacher. EEEK, I'M SO MEAN! hahaha Until now I remember that scene. It's one of those times I was hungry for answers- not for myself but for the whole class. I wanted all of us to understand it, not just me.

Obviously I graduated high school NOT wanting to be a teacher. Actually, I still want to teach but I wasn't willing to take Education as a course. Based on my experience in high school, I've concluded that not everyone who finished Education can teach. And not all who didn't take up Education as a course cannot teach. I actually hope that in the future, people who pass a certain standard will be allowed to teach- regardless if they own an Education degree or not. With the poor standards of education and teachers right now ( no offense to teachers but let's face it, all the good ones are in private schools, top universities, or abroad), we really need help from those who can share knowledge.

It takes skills and passion to be a teacher. Students can feel passion. And passion is contagious. How would you like to wake up early in the morning to attend the most boring, monotone, bookish class evaaar? NOT NICE RIGHT? But you'd definitely want to get up for school if you're in for another exciting exchange of knowledge.

Today I find myself back to wanting to be a teacher. But that'd mean I'll be a student first. I've actually drafted my short-term plan for 2011. And yes, it includes going back to school. I just have to give it a shot to stop all the what-ifs on my mind.

Wish me luuuuck!

Ole Olay!

Can I just say?

This noon, Dad and I dropped by Mercury Drug before heading off to lunch. While he was waiting for his meds, I saw the Olay bottles on display at the counter- with smaller Olay bottles for free. I said 'Uy may libre!' He said 'gusto mo ba? Oh bumili ka na.' I declined nicely saying the variant I use isn't there and I didn't bring cash and my Mercury card. I just said 'babalikan ko nalang'. He gave up insisting that he can buy it for me and just said 'balikan mo habang may libre pa.'

THE POINT IS NOT ABOUT THE LIBRE OK? hahaha

The truth is, the variant I use is there. It's just that I was thinking of getting a different variant in my next purchase that's why I had doubts of getting this one. Coz it'll mean putting off trying the variant I planned on getting for like two months. And, to put it bluntly, nahihiya rin naman ako na siya pa bibili ng kikay stuff ko. But I kinda feel this 'blah' thing inside me. That I should have put my hiya aside and let him be a father to me. You know, the dad who'd like to give his kids stuff if he can afford it. That's why I'm so bothered about that Olay bottle that I had to blog about it. But I guess he kinda knew it wasn't about the variant that kept me from letting him buy that bottle. He probably figured 'ah baka nahihiya siya sa akin kasi may sweldo na siya'. HAHA

Now about the libre...side story lang. My dad likes free stuff when doing groceries. Well, not all free stuff. Just value for money in general. Like when we're at the supermarket, he buys those soaps in packs of three's or six's even if he has like 10 other packs of soaps at home. He always says 'magagamit mo rin naman yan eventually so bili ka lang ng bili habang may pambili ka.' Of course this shopping advise does not extend to shoes or bags which qualify as (my) wants. Soaps are must-haves at home, thus, he keeps buying them without checking inventory. haha Believe me my dad buys so much soaps that- remember the maid who stole stuff from me? She took packs of soaps and shampoos thinking I wouldn't notice coz we have a rack full of it. haha

So now I'm pretty much okay about this Olay issue. In fairness, 'writing' it down or blogging it makes you feel better. And to put a closure to this internal conflict, I am off to Mercury Drug tomorrow to buy that bottle. (Para matahimik na ang kalooban ko.) And I'll display it where he'll see it para matahimik na rin ang kalooban niya. hahaha

Life's a movie

Well, almost. I find that there's always a little truth in movies.

Right now one of my favorite Sharon movies is on Cinema One- Kung Ako Nalang Sana. I hate to admit it but I kinda feel like I'm a little of Emmy (Sharon). Aside from our size (haha), I really see myself as Emmy some ten years from now. The girl who looks after everyone- family and friends. I hope to be as rich as her character too!

Kulang lang sa akin- guy best friend who, when I reach 40 and single, will be willing to marry me. hahahahahaha Shempre naman I wanna be married before I reach 30 noh. Okay fine 32. May allowance para sure.

Speaking of guy best friend...I guess I really don't have one. I have guy friends but my closest friends are girls. I mean, no one can understand girls like their girlfriends do. The closest I had to a guy best friend was back in high school. Until he fell in love with my friend. hahahaha Until now, sila pa rin so I guess it's meant to be. But it doesn't matter. I love my girl and gay friends! I'm sure one day we'll meet our prince charming through them or maybe we'll meet THE ONE when we're out with our friends. They'll be there when some casanova breaks your heart. Their tears will flow when you make your vows and some of them will be among the hopefuls to catch the bouquet.

Whatever it is, girlfriends will stick with you through thick and thin.

Oh well, I'm just 21. I shouldn't panic yet.

Or okay, I should not panic too much yet.

Can't read my, can't read my...

Ever had that blah feeling- one where you're not happy in the purest sense of it but you're not sad either? Yung parang "Saktong ewan lang".

It's like you're looking for that rush, hungry for new knowledge, excited to experience new things. I miss talking to friends everyday. I just want to lounge in an aircon room (because you can learn things within the four corners of a room), watch Living Asia, NatGeo, Star World, Star Movies, and read my books (I've got four waiting) all day.

If I'm to leave house, I'd like to ride the zipline (done this twice), go snorkeling and spelunking. Maybe go hike and immerse myself in some new culture.

OH DEAR, how's this possible?

Edit: Thought about this 5 7 seconds after 'finishing' my post... I'd also like to ride that ferry from Guadalupe to Chinatown and then direcho sa Binondo Food Wok ni Ivan Man Dy. hehe

TIME BOUND

What is one thing you'd like to buy in the future?

Me, I'd like to buy time. I want to be rich so I can enjoy each day without having to worry about what my family will eat, or where I'll sleep or how I'll afford to pay the bills.

Most of today was spent pseudo-planning my Eurotrip in the future. I checked Eurotrail, their train system. I also checked couch surfing which I first learned from Miggy. Couch surfing is basically living with a host in the country you pick instead of booking a hotel room. I'm not sure how much it costs though but I'm positive it's cheaper than a hotel (otherwise no one would sign up for it).

Later in the planning I realized I should first learn how to bike. Biking is uso in certain countries in Europe. Also, I told myself I should do this trip by the time I'm 25. At least I hope so. I'm still considering if I should do it alone or bring my mom with me, or friends. My friend Claude did her Eurotrip just this summer, right after graduation. haha She recommend that I try traveling alone though. Maybe I should noh? (She didn't exactly travel alone though. She met up with her sister there.)

Oh well, bike or not, couch surfing or hotel, I'm definitely going to Europe. And my take-home list includes photos, memories, and a hot Frenchman. teehee! Okay, that's (just!) half meant. haha ♥

Oh, for motivation I placed a photo of Paris (with the iconic Eifell tower somewhere in the photo) as my desktop wallpaper.

DON'T LAUGH

HAHAHA

So like what I tweeted, I took an exam about single-hood and here's what it says.

You don't have a boyfriend because you don't really want one. I know you think you do, but boys are not really a huge priority in your life. You see a boyfriend as, well, a male companion, and while romance is fun, just having fun is better. You're pretty carefree, and your life centers around your social life, and around your friends, not around guys. But don't worry. You'll meet a guy who is the same way, then you'll hit it off. Until then, keep shining! Guys like you, but you're like a star. They can't bring you down.

I HOPE THIS IS TRUE.

Take the test here.

Short term plans

While reading Bob Ong, my desire to study the culture of the Philippines just became stronger. I want to learn everything about our culture and eventually share it to Filipino kids who somehow, I feel, lack that sense of pride in being Filipino. I wanna be the ambassador of Filipino culture- take the knowledge to different schools sothat the passion for this country is sowed at a young age. I'd like to have Ma'am Norma Respicio as my mentor. But that's just because she's the only professor I've met who knows so much about the traditional Philippine culture. She's a super cool prof.

From L-R: Ram, Jewel, Myself, Ma'am Respi, Emm, Bee, Marian, Ali, Panx, Olga and Cancan

My best summer class in college.

Right now I really pray that Joop makes it to UP Diliman. Please pray for him too. If he makes it, my dad plans to take classes in UP too. Wala lang. Trip lang daw niya. So sasama ako, I'll take classes too. HAHA I super- AS IN MAJOR- want to learn about traditional culture and know everything by heart just like I know bags and brands.

Note to self: Start researching on Ma'am Respi's classes. Promise I will make time and drop by CAL to ask for their course outlines.

LITTLE THOUGHTS SCREAMING IN MY HEAD

What I really want to do is to travel, *** and make people happy. I can't bring myself to say the second one because I do not have the guts to declare to the world it's what I'd like to do.

An alternative to that would be have successful businesses, help other people better their lives, support up and coming artists in their craft and travel the world.

I guess traveling is the common denominator here. Never mind if I have to sit in the plane for 18 hours, skip a bath or something like that. Nothing compares to seeing the big and beautiful world out there.

London

Sometimes I wish my grandparents were suuuper rich that my family and even my grandkids could live on inheritance and did not need to work. That way we can just be busy planning our next destination. These people do exist! But I'm not one of them. I know people who never had to work to afford the luxe life. I have a classmate whose mom lived on inheritance. And most probably she will too. What I like about her is she's nice to me. She's nice to everybody. She never bragged a about it. I just, well, heard through the grapevine.

India (photo of the Taj Mahal from Jego Bolinao)

Anyway, so what I really want to do... I guess I'm waiting for a door to open. It's not that I'm not running after my dreams. I just don't know where to start. I don't know which one I'll do first. So I sit and wait. I let plans for me unfold while I figure out my own plans. Besides, I have no means. I cannot afford to leave and come back when I want to. We don't grow money trees. But once I have the means and the plan, maybe when they're clear enough, I can muster enough guts to ask for a break and do what I want to do.

Paris

In hindsight, maybe I'm busy making other people's dreams come true? UGH. I need social contact! Silence is driving me crazy!!!

London and Paris photos from Google.

Isa akong Psychology

I WAS GONNA PUT OFF WRITING THIS BUT I CANNOT STAND IT ANYMORE. I HATE HATE HATE BEING POSITIVE ABOUT CERTAIN THINGS IN THIS WORLD. LIKE WHEN I'D RESPOND TO THINGS BECAUSE I'M OKAY NA, TAPOS IT'LL MAKE ME FEEL LUGI PALA.

What do you do when someone resurfaces in your life when you've totally forgotten and recovered already? This is like Georgina Sparks repeatedly coming back in the lives of Dan, Serena, Nate, Blair and Chuck. Like once everyone ok, she comes back to Manhattan to raise hell and mess up everyone's lives and then she gets away unscathed (well, at least most of the time).

Anyway back to reality...Since I've moved on, of course I casually respond to messages. Day 1 was the elections. It was something I didn't mind because my boss wasn't around and I wasn't busy. Day 2: He messaged me again on my birthday to greet me. Day 3: He messaged again the day after to apologize not being able to respond (which I really didn't mind coz all I texted was Thank you when he greeted me). It was a good and long exchange of messages but later on I started analyzing and thinking WHY ALL THESE (again!!!) NOW?

The details: Days: Monday (may 10; lots of SMS),Sunday (my birthday; just 1 SMS), Monday (May 17; lots of sms). My analysis: THIS IS A CASE OF CONVENIENCE- a long time theory of my dear friend Farrah. Simply put: because it's a fact that you're just there all the time, when what he wants isn't within reach, he goes for what (or who) is available.

How so? Most exchanges of messages were on weekdays and a weird time- which means it's just another day at the office for his girlfriend. Which makes her unavailable for him to talk to. Knowing my working environment, he knew he had someone to rant about his excruciating headache at that time of the day.

AND STUPID ME, IT TOOK ME SO MANY MESSAGES BEFORE COMING UP WITH SUCH CONCLUSION. You know what sealed the deal?

Yesterday he messaged me to say he wasn't able to reply after greeting me happy birthday because he just got back from *insert name of province* for the weekend. Cool. No problem. His family always goes out of town so that wasn't a surprise. All I said was 'thank you' anyway so I really didn't expect a reply. But today I checked Facebook, he was tagged in a few photos and guess who he was with that time... the girlfriend- who else?!

He always has this ridiculous alibis whenever he cancels. Like he said he'd drop by later at a friend's place to help us with something. I woke up to a text saying he can't make it coz he has an exam with a certain company. So my friend said 'HELLO KUNG EXAM MO NGAYON, DAPAT DAYS BEFORE ALAM MO NA YUN. HINDI NAMAN YUN DAY ITSELF NALALAMAN.' Okay sorry na, ako na ang na-uto.

ETO LANG YUN... Believe me when I say I'm okay. I've been okay ever since forever. What I'm irritated about IS HOW HE TREATS OTHER PEOPLE IN RELATION TO HIS LIFE. Why can't he just stop disturbing my life because really I have long concluded that we are not gonna get along well enough to foster at least friendly relationship.

IF YOU'RE HAPPY, LET ME NAMAN CONTINUE LIVING A PEACEFUL LIFE. STOP RESURFACING OVER AND OVER AGAIN LIKE YOU CAN JUST WALK INTO PEOPLE'S LIVES, DISTURB THEM AND THEN WALK AWAY BECAUSE YOU'VE GOTTEN YOUR FIX. I'M GIVING YOU A CHANCE TO BE MY FRIEND BUT STOP SCREWING THINGS UP. STOP WALKING AWAY JUST LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO. OR BETTER YET, DON'T WALK INTO MY LIFE ON CRAZY DAYS? My birthday- sure. Christmas and new year- no problem. But when you're just bored on a random day, JUST PLEASE SIT ON YOUR HANDS AND STAY AWAY FROM YOUR PHONE.

The only reason why I reply to him is because I don't want to be rude. But screw it! I'm rude now. Only to him. Today he messaged to cancel about dropping by in the afternoon. You know what I did?

I typed in "IT DOESN'T MATTER." and hit SEND.

Lights, Camera, Action!

When I want to know something, I make sure I don't stop until I am satisfied with the answers. Like when I ask who you're rooting for between Maribel and Rubi, I don't shut up when you tell me who. I ask why, and then assuming I'm still not satisfied, I throw in a question or two about why I disagree. This is not to start an argument of course. It's because I want to understand.

Days ago I saw a quote that reads "If you do not go after what you want, you'll never have it."

I've always wondered why we keep looking at things that can hurt us? Is it just because we'd rather take the pain than drown in the pool of curiosity? Or we think it's painful now so a little more won't make a change? Or do we think getting all the pain now spares us from future ones a.k.a. isang bagsakan nalang?

Days ago I had dreams. Really nice dreams that I actually tried to sleep more hoping to see the sequel. So I actually entertained of going after the dream. I thought of flying to Sydney, stroll in the park, hoping to bump into that dream.

But when I began doing my 'research' I found out that my dream does not exist anymore. That someone else is living it. And I just have to settle with the fact that it's something I cannot control. You're probably planning to tell me to still go for it and prove that I can do a better job. Hold it. This is not some big shot job I can just steal from anyone. You see, it's not easy to control someone's heart. You can't control people and manipulate things like the director does in movies.

I have a feeling I've had too much movies while growing up. Feeling ko kaya kong i-control yung mga bagay-bagay. Feeling ko pag ginawa ko yung ginawa nung bida, yung katambal ko ay magrereact rin parehas nung nasa pelikula. So even as an adult, there's that little child in me thinking I can achieve things by plotting scenes.

I've done them before- not just with my crushes ok? (DON'T JUDGE!) Even when I pair up my friends, or when I plan surprises for other people. It's all about timing. Everything I plotted for my friends- birthdays, victories, events- they all worked perfectly. But when it comes to my life- it just doesn't seem to go my way. We become happy and then we drift apart. I've never had a 'connection' that lasted more than a sem. Some reasons include not being classmates anymore, I graduated already, etc. Maybe someone should do the plotting for me too noh?

If there's one thing I appreciate about watching so much movies when I was a kid is that like in movies, I am an actress and God is my director.

And yes, just like in the movies, when you trust the director and the time is right, surely you'll get your happy ending.

STAY IN LOVE WITH LOVE!♥

p.s.

I think I now know why I like Hector. Aside from the fact that I like Diether ever since I can remember, the character of Hector reminds me of my dream. Their way of dressing up, the way they treat ladies- super Hector.

Moms and Memories

Did you ever want to do something so bad your mom couldn't stand watching you yearn for it so she finds a way for you to get it? Yes yes, many times right?

Now I'd like to do that for my mom. There's a lot of things she mentally lists in her to-do's like get a carboxy treatment for her arms, or get into a certain businesses, or build a library for poor kids. Stuff like that. But her kids always get in the way. Like she'd forego these things because my brother lost his phone (so she buys him a new one), or I'd like us to visit the derma and get diamond peels (her treat of course), or because it's so hot I use the aircon every night so my electric bill shoots up and she has to pay for it, or because she's busy taking care of us so she doesn't have time for her hobbies. The reason always boils down to family.

So now my mission is to allow her to do all these things. Sometimes I wash the dishes for her. She never asks me to do it when she's here. Maybe she's trying to make up for the four years in college that I lived alone most of the time. But I'm a big girl now. She doesn't have to make up for anything. Anyway back to my mission. I am gonna swallow every molecule of 'hiya' I have to make all these possible. Won't post it here until it's done. hahaha baka fail tapos pabida pa ako. hahaha I love my mom so much, I want her to be super happy!

Hay grabe, I'm so excited for next year. Joop will be in college meaning they'll be spending a lot of time here in Manila. They're not moving here for good coz Dad likes living in Iloilo. hehe I'm just happy to spend every possible moment with my family. We're growing old so fast. I wanna create memories. I guess that's what I'll be spending for.

Isshoes

Weeks ago, I talked to a shoe seller online and asked her where the shoes are made. She said they are her personal designs and are manufactured in China. Around the same time I also stumbled upon another shoe seller that carries 'emergency' shoes for the working girl. It's her own brand but the shoes are also made in China.

But whhhhyyy China? We have our own shoe industry here. The sad part is that it's still cheaper to outsource from China than have your designs made locally. It's so depressing. While we support the local brands by buying their shoes, it doesn't trickle down to the local industry- instead we're funding the Chinese economy. It doesn't do much for the Chinese laborers to. They only get to keep their jobs but not to improve their lives.

The domination of China in a lot of industries is a double edged sword for consumers and a jackpot for the Chinese manufacturers. Let me explain. A pair of Christian Louboutin heels cost at least Php 30,000 and are made in Italy. You can get a high-quality replica on Multiply for around Php 4000 from Chinese suppliers. So if you have the real Loubs, you are faced with the controversy of wether or not they're the real deal. And if you're part of the social climbing set, you get to step up the ladder because people are puzzled how you get to wear heels whose worth can send a kid to school.

If only having shoes manufactured in Marikina is as low-priced as having it made in China, a lot more local businesses here can grow. We do not depend on exchange rates, there is no language barrier, it is easier to monitor your orders according to your specifications, and it's easy to negotiate with your fellow Filipino businessman. In addition, if people stop patronizing fake goods, then there's no reason for manufacturers to pirate their designs.

My love affair for shoes is, more than anything, an advocacy promoting the shoe industry. I am hoping that one day I can contribute to the local shoemaking industry as someone more than just a fan of their shoes. I'd like to give them jobs and opportunities to better their lives. And eventually, giving each Filipino a chance to put their best shoe forward.