I'm not self destructive, just always hopeful.

I'm a hopeless romantic. Anyone close to me will agree. Sometimes I'm too cheesy, I actually feel I need to explain why. But my mind would race too fast, every thought becomes a fleeting feeling, and I end up setting them aside in one compartment in my mind with a label 'Must Process ASAP'.

Processing emotions take so much effort. It also takes a lot of courage to admit to yourself how you really feel. It's hard to tell even your closest friends. When I feel like I can't say it to a friend, I write letters to myself. Once I wrote a letter for that one guy who'll paint for me a love like no other. The letters I make are so real, so genuinely true, that they put my hopes so high up that one day, if I stop believing, I'd shatter to pieces. That's the risk I deal with everyday.

You may ask why I bother being a romantic when being a non-romantic is so much more convenient and frankly, practical. If I choose to be a non-romantic, maybe I'll be less disappointed with the world. Maybe I won't have to feel that teeny bit of sting every time I couples on a date when I'm out alone. Maybe I won't have to doubt myself- if I'm even worthy of the grand kind of love. 

If I choose to be a non-romantic, maybe I'd be less emotional. I'll have less lonely nights. I'll have saved myself a few mini heart attacks. If I choose to be a non-romantic, the only thing that'd be more of is being a disappointment to myself. 

Because choosing to be a non-romantic means I'm refusing to share to the world the overflowing hopeful kind of love. The romantic in me feels that maybe, just maybe, if I keep throwing this kind of love all over the place, it's gonna hit someone so strong it'll bounce back to me.

Coz maybe we want that first heartbreak as much as we want that first love. It's a gauge of how much you could handle, and how much more you can. If you're lucky to find the right love at the first try, awesome. For those not as fortunate, they take home a story to tell. A lesson to share. They find a new strength and a new self. That's more than enough reason to try. 

Because maybe that new version is your best version. And your best version will only deserve the best kind of love there is. That grand kind you've been waiting for.

♥ 

Versions

Been feeling bummed all day today. Maybe it's the hormones. Or the weather (been raining the past 3 days and you know how I'm not friends with the rain). Or maybe there's something else that's been bothering me but I can't quite figure out what.

More often than not, when I'm feeling down, I gravitate toward the eternal topic of the heart. It didn't help that James Morisson is the star of my rainy day playlist and that I've been witnessing a lot of these 'strong emotions' lately. Yes, that's witnessing, not experiencing. hehe

Anyway, the nicer part of the day came in the evening. My college friend and blockmate Vincent just proposed to his girlfriend. I'm gonna let the video tell you about it.



After watching Vincent's proposal video, I started watching wedding videos which I shouldn't be doing coz...gets niyo na yun.

Anyway, enough chit chat. I wanted to write something because I need a reminder. I cannot tell anyone what I'm feeling. Don't even coerce me. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

I find myself overthinking something I'm not even feeling (yet?). Pinapangunahan, kumbaga. And I hate it. Because it's not the best version of me. It's my fucked up version. You see, I have a tendency to settle. It's just a tendency. It usually ends as soon as I recognize it because the bigger voice in my head would scream I DESERVE THE BEST. So into the bin goes the settling and hello again to my 'normal' self.

Because I'd rather be alone in my normal self than be alone in my fucked up version. Admitting to these strange but familiar feelings (YES, I SEE THE IRONY THERE) do not guarantee that I will not be alone. Admitting would only mean there are thoughts that will keep me up at night. Thoughts that remain as just thoughts when you wake up in the morning.

So don't ask me how I'm feeling. Coz I'm afraid to ask myself. Coz even if I knew the answer, I'm not gonna tell. If I don't tell, no one knows. If no one knew, then it never existed. And maybe, that's how it should be.

Birthday wish list!

Farrah requested that I make one so here goes. I just picked from my long list of wants. Yes, I keep a list so that when I feel I deserve a reward, I buy something that's on my list. The thing about being single is that I'm my own Santa / genie. hehe

1. Washi tapes! I'm craaaazy about them. They're too cute not to have! http://blog.quaintdesk.com/products-page/

2. Watercolor paper. Someone told me I should try watercolor during my free time (which I have a lot of). I got myself a basic Prang palette and a small 30-sheet Berkeley paper. My artist friends said I can't just do watercolor on any paper. The pigment should 'well' on the paper, thus, rough paper is recommended. I'd like to try the Canson brand next.

3. Handheld mixer. I've been dying try my hand at baking (using my toaster, hehe) I'm sure this is on my mom's list for the kitchen (or for me because I keep nagging her).

4. French press. Coffee making class has been on my list since forever but I have yet to find a class. In my recent trip from Siem Reap (which reminds me I must post my collages), I bought a bag of Ratanakiri coffee beans. I thought I'd replicate the coffee we had at the hotel. I can't really tell if the coffee beans are the best kind because I don't know much about coffee beans. I should really learn now.

5. Glass cookie jars. Nope, not for the kitchen. I'll be converting one part of the bar into a craft corner. I'll use the jars to store my washi tapes, gift ribbons and the rest of my art stuff. I'm excited to have a fancy craft corner at home. 

6. Of course the kikay me will want a share in the wish list. Benefit Hello Flawless Wow foundation. I won a sample sized bottle a month ago and I like it. Not LOVE it. Love is Smashbox 15 hour foundation. But this one is very good for chill days. 

7. Lastly, Tony Moly Jelly Bubble Spray. I wanted to bring this with me to Cambodia because I figured it'll be a long and hot trip. Unfortunately, it was out of stock. Hopefully I can get a bottle before summer ends.

That's about it! My birthday is a few days away.  I can still remember last year's celebration. A simple weekday dinner with Nano and Mau morphed into a 4-song concert and inuman with some football players. Totally unexpected but very much enjoyed that night. 

This birthday week I plan to see my favorite friends. Maybe spend my actual birthday with the whole family here at home and then hang out with friends in the evening.

I don't like worrying too much on how I'd celebrate my birthday. I have 364 other days to celebrate life. :)

Mommy's day

Spent the day with the whole family at the mall. Mom wanted to try North Park so we had lunch there. She also sent me and Joop to the salon to get a trim. That's where we heard the hilarious conversation I tweeted. hihi

Dinner at Bonchon. :)

PIPINO VEGAN CHALLENGE

Apartment friends and I decided to check out Pipino Vegetarian for dinner sometime last week. We're fans of Pino but never tried its vegetarian counterpart so I figured it'll be a nice change.

Honestly, I feel most of the dishes are bland (for my taste, at least). I personally expected that vegan restos would make up for the lack of meat through interesting and rich flavors. The only dishes I recommend are the vegetarian kare-kare (it's just Pino's bagnet kare-kare without the bagnet), vegetable tempura platter, the pancit canton (with buckwheat noodles), and the desserts.

The egg-less chocolate cake it most and yummy! Their ice creams are also interesting. I like the buco ice cream. Not a big fan of the chocolate and banana ice creams. hehe

And oh, the place is lovely! It's like a sosyal pre-school. So cute! It's a nice peg for a studio unit if you're into clean, fresh, spaces.

Clockwise: Ana, Carms, Berns,

my new washi tapes which I got earlier that day,

the Pipino work station, and with Mau.

Bacolod

One of the provinces that hold a special place in my heart is Bacolod. I've been there countless of times, each one, a different story. The trip to Bacolod for Masskara with my BA friends (and other BA batches) is definitely one of my favorite memories.

Cuties in the plane, everyday inasal galore, hike at Mambukal, Ruins, dinner at Hacienda Javelosa, Mushu nights, trike ride from Mushu to Planta hotel (because walang taxi!), five-peso bibingka at the plaza.

Hong Kong 2011

Second country to visit.

First out of the country trip with my mare, Fa.

Will go back in 2013- with more shopping money. hihi

My Valentine's Post

I've been wanting to post some stuff in January but never got to do it. I just get stuck with an idea that I cannot put into words.

Now it's Valentine's Day and I guess I might as well put my two cents out there.

I came across an article that mentioned something about girls hating Valentine's day because they remember how single they are. My take? I don't need Valentine's day to remind me how single I am. Every waking day reminds me of that. And frankly, I'm perfectly okay with it. :) So I will not defend being single. Because first, it's not a crime. Second, it's not like I'm the only one left without a boyfriend. And third, because I'm happy with what and who I have in my life right now.

That is not to say I can't be happier. I can, of course. But you see, I'm also a believer in perfect timing. And like someone placing a special order of thigh and leg parts only for their fast food meal, I am willing to wait.

Just because I am single, doesn't mean I am without love. I feel the love from friends, and from my family, from Papa God.

I take a stress free work week as love from Papa God. He doesn't want me to have wrinkles. :)

A fun day with friends is love.

Awesome food is love.

Good deeds are love.

A good night message from my mom is love.

A visit from little Julian is love.

A sincere hug is love.

The perfect pair of shoes is love.

A beautiful weather is love.

A slice of that perfectly moist and light cake is love.

A tweet-back from someone you look up to is love.

Freebies are love!

Adam Levine is love. Chos! (Masingit lang? haha)

You see, love doesn't have to be from a single person. Love is how you see it. It's also how you say it. And how you show it.

To the people in my life, I love you! At different levels and different ways but I do. :)

And to the person who has yet to be part of my life, I don't know what's taking you so long but one day I know all this waiting is gonna be so worth it. See you soon! <3

I wish :)

Mother Oprah (lakas maka mother! haha) once said that the biggest adventure you can take it to live the life of your dreams. So let me share mine.

1. I wanna wrap gifts all year! If Santa Claus's branch here in the Philippines has a vacancy, I'd definitely take it. Seriously, I'd take 'taga wrap ng gifts' for a job. If you hate wrapping gifts, I promise, you can afford me! hehe

2. I'd like to put up a cute cafe. Think afternoon coffee and a book. And before you know it, the sun has set, it's time for dinner and I'll serve you a bowl of my mom's awesome mushroom soup and a plate of cheesy gooey meaty lasagna.

3. I also want a multi-use gallery. Something like Mag.Net. I know how hard it is to make music and, it's harder to share it. My brother was part of a band in high school. I have artist friends (painters, photogs, musicians) and I really believe they need all the support they can get especially when they're just starting out. There's too much crap in the mainstream so we, in the "purist/ quality over money" crowd should stick together. Plus I get to hang out with creative people. They're a different crowd, in a good way. :)

4. I love comfortable shoes. And it doesn't hurt that the shoes are pretty too. So let me put them together and produce my own brand of shoes! I want my shoe makers to be like family. I also want to build a school where the kids of my employees would attend. Pretty much like a social enterprise. This won't be happening soon though as I do not have enough money to quit my job and start my brand yet.

5. I want to travel! I dream of frolicking around Europe. Taking the train to different countries, and meeting awesome people along the way. Oha, lakas maka Eat, Pray, Love noh? Basta ganun! But I still need to learn and experience a lot of things because for one, I am not comfortable at the thought of traveling alone, let alone traveling to a foreign country. My biggest (travel) fear is not to be able to communicate properly. May nalalaman pa akong frolicking in Europe, eh Bonjour lang ang kaya kong sabihin. Jusme! haha

So here are my dreams! Help me out, will ya?

*all plans are subject to change. Everything's a work in progress. :)

A funeral

Last Thursday, I watched the latest episode of Vampire Diaries (s03e11). It was Caroline's birthday. However, she wasn't in the mood to celebrate it because it reminds her that she's already dead (she became a vampire last season so technically she's stuck at 17). Instead of a surprise party, they gave her a 'funeral' so she can say goodbye to her old self and start living a new life.

It was, what I'd call a coincidence that Farrah and I were talking yesterday (Saturday) about how it took us two years in the corporate world to finally start making mature life decisions this 2012 (aka start investing).

Our conversation went something like this:

Me: Katawa naman. In fairness two years naman na tayong pabanjing banjing diba.

Fa: Onga eh pero at least umabot tayo sa point na toh. haha

Then I realized that maybe it's time to say goodbye to college. At some point, we'll all be too old to pass as college kids. Even those who call you 'ate' in college have now graduated. Of course, there will be days that you will miss it. But you cannot hold on to your college life. I'm sure you would not want to.

Admit it, you're smarter, richer (hehe), and in general, a much better version of yourself right now. Why would you want to go back to your 'nene' / 'totoy' version, right?

If there's anything I'd like you to take with you, there are three:

Hold on to good memories. It will make you smile.

Hold on to valuable lessons. Remember, you are better because of these.

And finally but most importantly, hold on to your fun self. It will keep you young.

So bury everything else and start celebrating the new you. Cheers!