Good hearts do not deserve so much pain

I was browsing a cupcake blog when I saw a this photo of a red velvet cupcake called Takumi's Heart.

photo from cupcakestakethecake.blogspot.com

Takumi has three holes in his heart. So far he's had three heart attacks and a stroke. Sometimes he couldn't hear, sometimes he couldn't see, sometimes he couldn't breathe. He was beaten by his father and thrown out of their house for being gay. Right now he needs support for his heart surgeries so they can close all the holes and he can get back on his feet.

HEARTBREAKING. How can you disown your kid just like that? He seems like a nice guy. UGH I WANNA CRY! I don't know him but my heart is literally aching right at this moment.

I was reading the wall posts on the the Facebook page and I'm happy that there are people who want to help in any way they can. Some send money, others provide him contacts as sponsors, others give him free lawyer services (he's trying to get a visa in Japan or else he'll be deported to Italy), others (like me hehe) include him in prayers. But I'm sure he needs more support! The Facebook page is HERE.

photo from the Facebook page of Takumi's heart

p.s. I think a friend of Takumi (or his partner. I'm really not sure) runs the page on Facebook. He speaks on Takumi's behalf and visits him practically everyday to check how he is feeling.

Isa akong Psychology

I WAS GONNA PUT OFF WRITING THIS BUT I CANNOT STAND IT ANYMORE. I HATE HATE HATE BEING POSITIVE ABOUT CERTAIN THINGS IN THIS WORLD. LIKE WHEN I'D RESPOND TO THINGS BECAUSE I'M OKAY NA, TAPOS IT'LL MAKE ME FEEL LUGI PALA.

What do you do when someone resurfaces in your life when you've totally forgotten and recovered already? This is like Georgina Sparks repeatedly coming back in the lives of Dan, Serena, Nate, Blair and Chuck. Like once everyone ok, she comes back to Manhattan to raise hell and mess up everyone's lives and then she gets away unscathed (well, at least most of the time).

Anyway back to reality...Since I've moved on, of course I casually respond to messages. Day 1 was the elections. It was something I didn't mind because my boss wasn't around and I wasn't busy. Day 2: He messaged me again on my birthday to greet me. Day 3: He messaged again the day after to apologize not being able to respond (which I really didn't mind coz all I texted was Thank you when he greeted me). It was a good and long exchange of messages but later on I started analyzing and thinking WHY ALL THESE (again!!!) NOW?

The details: Days: Monday (may 10; lots of SMS),Sunday (my birthday; just 1 SMS), Monday (May 17; lots of sms). My analysis: THIS IS A CASE OF CONVENIENCE- a long time theory of my dear friend Farrah. Simply put: because it's a fact that you're just there all the time, when what he wants isn't within reach, he goes for what (or who) is available.

How so? Most exchanges of messages were on weekdays and a weird time- which means it's just another day at the office for his girlfriend. Which makes her unavailable for him to talk to. Knowing my working environment, he knew he had someone to rant about his excruciating headache at that time of the day.

AND STUPID ME, IT TOOK ME SO MANY MESSAGES BEFORE COMING UP WITH SUCH CONCLUSION. You know what sealed the deal?

Yesterday he messaged me to say he wasn't able to reply after greeting me happy birthday because he just got back from *insert name of province* for the weekend. Cool. No problem. His family always goes out of town so that wasn't a surprise. All I said was 'thank you' anyway so I really didn't expect a reply. But today I checked Facebook, he was tagged in a few photos and guess who he was with that time... the girlfriend- who else?!

He always has this ridiculous alibis whenever he cancels. Like he said he'd drop by later at a friend's place to help us with something. I woke up to a text saying he can't make it coz he has an exam with a certain company. So my friend said 'HELLO KUNG EXAM MO NGAYON, DAPAT DAYS BEFORE ALAM MO NA YUN. HINDI NAMAN YUN DAY ITSELF NALALAMAN.' Okay sorry na, ako na ang na-uto.

ETO LANG YUN... Believe me when I say I'm okay. I've been okay ever since forever. What I'm irritated about IS HOW HE TREATS OTHER PEOPLE IN RELATION TO HIS LIFE. Why can't he just stop disturbing my life because really I have long concluded that we are not gonna get along well enough to foster at least friendly relationship.

IF YOU'RE HAPPY, LET ME NAMAN CONTINUE LIVING A PEACEFUL LIFE. STOP RESURFACING OVER AND OVER AGAIN LIKE YOU CAN JUST WALK INTO PEOPLE'S LIVES, DISTURB THEM AND THEN WALK AWAY BECAUSE YOU'VE GOTTEN YOUR FIX. I'M GIVING YOU A CHANCE TO BE MY FRIEND BUT STOP SCREWING THINGS UP. STOP WALKING AWAY JUST LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO. OR BETTER YET, DON'T WALK INTO MY LIFE ON CRAZY DAYS? My birthday- sure. Christmas and new year- no problem. But when you're just bored on a random day, JUST PLEASE SIT ON YOUR HANDS AND STAY AWAY FROM YOUR PHONE.

The only reason why I reply to him is because I don't want to be rude. But screw it! I'm rude now. Only to him. Today he messaged to cancel about dropping by in the afternoon. You know what I did?

I typed in "IT DOESN'T MATTER." and hit SEND.

A message from Senator Gordon

"Thank you for your trust and confidence. The fight for this country goes beyond this day and I am hoping for your continued support in building a Bagumbayan for our people. We saw it begin with the victory today of automated elections which will pave way for true freedom and democracy in our country."

THAT'S MY PRESIDENT! I agree that Filipinos still have a long way in becoming mature voters. We have to stop the melodrama and start thinking for this country. I feel sad the we are AGAIN indebted to the Aquinos. I feel like we don't owe them as much as these people think. Cory reinstated democracy yes. We've paid her enough respect during the rest of her life after her term. It is insulting to intelligence that we still elect officials based on how we feel. I cannot emphasize that enough. But then again if Noynoy Aquino is president, I just really hope he supports the programs that other presidentiables have. Like support for public school teachers - because if we give them enough salary, the best teachers will choose to stay and teach in the country and with that follows a higher standard in education and will hopefully lead to more educated citizens and voters.

Now I just look forward to a better Philippines under the Aquino administration. He has a lot of people to prove himself to. He shared the votes of the 'thinking class' with Gibo and Gordon. Therefore those who didn't vote for him will be following his steps hoping to be proved wrong. I am part of this. I want Noynoy to prove himself worthy of the majority's votes. I want him to exceed the standards I have for my presidential bet. I'd greatly appreciate if he appoints Gordon, Gibo and Perlas into office next year. (As mandated by law, anyone who runs (and loses) for a public position must not be appointed within a year after election.)

I don't want to reach the point where we all start to leave this beautiful country because of frustration with the government. I love the Philippines. But if we continue to vote for the wrong people (okay maybe not Aquino but the senators, or local officials) we will also continue to find ourselves in the shit hole that we are in.

I have to agree with my dad. He says the government should only allow tax payers to vote. Anyone who does not contribute to the economy (those who depend on dole outs and charity) do not deserve to vote because when you look at it, they're not stake holders per se. Stake holders of the country- yes. But stakeholders in the purest essence- no. Even if it sounds discriminating, I believe it's for the better good.

If educated people think for the uneducated ones, definitely we're thinking of everyone's good. But if you live hand to mouth, hindi mo na iisipin yung ibang tao. Hindi mo na iisipin yung bukas, yung sa susunod na taon. It's never long term for the people who live on isang kahig isang tuka. Okay I am already too frustrated I can just go on and on about saying what's wrong with this country. I just really want to see progress- progress that is felt not only in the upper tier of classes. I want progress that will reach the masses. Because when we drive in the streets in our brand new cars and see families with no food to eat, trust me it doesn't feel good.

GO PHILIPPINES! THIS IS IT! (Noynoy, make or break na toh. You don't want a people power against you.)

FLASH THAT DIRTY FINGER

I had a hard time deciding wether I should go to the precinct this morning or wait after lunch. But excitement won and I took a bath and drove (yes!) myself to the clubhouse. I originally planned to walk but it was too hot. The 10-am sun felt like 12 noon so I had to brave the road.

When I got there, I was totally lost. I did two rounds in the clubhouse and then gave up and went to the voters assistance station. Good decision! She gave me a stub with all my details and gave me instructions. Thank God for PPCRV volunteers who were efficient an nice to all the voters.

Finally I saw my line. While I was at the end of the looong line, I said to myself 'I lined up for 8 hours just to register. This one's gonna be easy.' hahaha

Since this year we're doing the 'clustered precinct' thingy, there were more people at our area. Our basketball court accomodated 4 precincts. It so happened I was part of the more populated precinct, thus the looong line.

An hour and a half in line and less than a hundred people away from the verification table, my college orgmate Jesse arrived. I wasn't able to greet her- I was too tired and haggard haha. Grabe she lined up like 10 minutes lang coz there were very few people in their precinct. KAINGGIT!

Anyway, finally I had my voting sheet then sat on a small table which I shared with an older lady. Grabe napaka galaw niya at napaka daldal. I stepped on the leg of the table to avoid the shaking- hello that might invalidate my vote pa. I gripped my pen tightly coz I was super afraid of making unnecessary marks.

My biggest fear is for my vote to not be counted due to shading errors. For the past two nights I prayed that my ballot will be counted. Imagine my horror when the screen said *WARNING*. The two officers told me to step back while they check my paper. They tried to appease me and said 'Minsan kasi nag ra-random check yan'. I wasn't breathing. One officer counted my shaded ovals, the other officer inserted it for the second time. THEN I SAW IT- CONGRATULATIONS! I gave one huge sigh of relief sabay sabi 'THANKYOUUUU!" hahaha they laughed at me- in a good way.

The indelible ink on my finger looks like nail polish gone wrong. hahaha But it doesn't matter. I'm proud voter!

BECAUSE YOU ARE THE BEST!

WE LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU THINK WE DO.

BUT WE KNOW YOU LOVE US MORE THAN WE LOVE YOU

COZ NOTHING COMPARES TO A MOTHER'S LOVE.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

YOU'RE THE BEST, MA!

When I grow up, I wanna be just like you.

Lights, Camera, Action!

When I want to know something, I make sure I don't stop until I am satisfied with the answers. Like when I ask who you're rooting for between Maribel and Rubi, I don't shut up when you tell me who. I ask why, and then assuming I'm still not satisfied, I throw in a question or two about why I disagree. This is not to start an argument of course. It's because I want to understand.

Days ago I saw a quote that reads "If you do not go after what you want, you'll never have it."

I've always wondered why we keep looking at things that can hurt us? Is it just because we'd rather take the pain than drown in the pool of curiosity? Or we think it's painful now so a little more won't make a change? Or do we think getting all the pain now spares us from future ones a.k.a. isang bagsakan nalang?

Days ago I had dreams. Really nice dreams that I actually tried to sleep more hoping to see the sequel. So I actually entertained of going after the dream. I thought of flying to Sydney, stroll in the park, hoping to bump into that dream.

But when I began doing my 'research' I found out that my dream does not exist anymore. That someone else is living it. And I just have to settle with the fact that it's something I cannot control. You're probably planning to tell me to still go for it and prove that I can do a better job. Hold it. This is not some big shot job I can just steal from anyone. You see, it's not easy to control someone's heart. You can't control people and manipulate things like the director does in movies.

I have a feeling I've had too much movies while growing up. Feeling ko kaya kong i-control yung mga bagay-bagay. Feeling ko pag ginawa ko yung ginawa nung bida, yung katambal ko ay magrereact rin parehas nung nasa pelikula. So even as an adult, there's that little child in me thinking I can achieve things by plotting scenes.

I've done them before- not just with my crushes ok? (DON'T JUDGE!) Even when I pair up my friends, or when I plan surprises for other people. It's all about timing. Everything I plotted for my friends- birthdays, victories, events- they all worked perfectly. But when it comes to my life- it just doesn't seem to go my way. We become happy and then we drift apart. I've never had a 'connection' that lasted more than a sem. Some reasons include not being classmates anymore, I graduated already, etc. Maybe someone should do the plotting for me too noh?

If there's one thing I appreciate about watching so much movies when I was a kid is that like in movies, I am an actress and God is my director.

And yes, just like in the movies, when you trust the director and the time is right, surely you'll get your happy ending.

STAY IN LOVE WITH LOVE!♥

p.s.

I think I now know why I like Hector. Aside from the fact that I like Diether ever since I can remember, the character of Hector reminds me of my dream. Their way of dressing up, the way they treat ladies- super Hector.

The difficult truth

Life has a way of shaking us and letting us see reality.

Days ago, I went to LBC to send money to pay for something I purchased online. This isn't usually the case. With online sellers, they usually ask you to deposit in their bank account or pay via Gcash- not sending money via courier. Anyway, I was filling out the form and then a lady approached the counter. She was quite young and carried her little boy in one arm. She said "Papadala po ng pera." The LBC girl said "magkano po?"

"One hundred."

I couldn't help but stop and take a peek at the lady. She really had a crumpled hundred-peso bill on her hand. I looked away immediately because I didn't want to embarras her. I forgot to relay this incident to my parents.

Then today, Dad asked me to send some office documents via LBC. Again I was filling out the form when an elder lady stood beside me to claim three hundred pesos. She had her ID, an authorization letter and the ID of another person. She explained to the LBC girl that she was claiming the money on behalf of the person who wrote the letter. They didn't allow her. They said 'Tawagan niyo nalang po yung nagpadala na ipapalit sa pangalan niyo yung pera. Kailangan po kasi yung mismong pinadalhan ang magc-claim." Imagine the hassle she had to go through to get 300 bucks?

I wanted to assist her but as I listened, the LBC people explained that it's their policy so I just left. When we got home I told everyone at home about what happened at LBC earlier and last time.

Me: "Grabe kanina nung nagpapadala ako, yung katabi ko nagcclaim ng 300 pesos. Tapos dati yung isa namang magpapadala ng 100 pesos. Grabe talaga."

Dad: : "Talaga! Ganun talaga ang katotohanan, manigas ka." (he said in a factual but casual tone) (Mom amused at my disbelief tone while telling them about it.)

Me: Hindi nga ako nanigas eh, nanlambot ako. Imagine 100? 300? Tapos ayaw pa ibigay sa kanya.

There's my wake up call. I've been spending so much time lusting on expensive things. I'm not saying I'll stop wanting them. That's not gonna happen soon.

I guess what I'm saying is I'll do my best to help people in need. It's great to reward ourselves, buy our wants and experience whatever luxuries but it means so much more if along with those luxuries, we work on socially relevant things. If we can spend a few thousands on clothes, bags and shoes, or even 800 pesos on a pair of Brazilian slippers, I'm sure we can share a little more to others.