HAPPY! Part 2

Dinner with my sibs, Julian, Sarah, cousins and Tito Gerry.

Me, Julian, Jom

All is well. :)

HAPPY! Part 1

I tried to delay deciding on wether I should show up at my masters program interview or not because it's an office day (Wednesday). I had to learn a new software, input some data to get things started, and really focus on finishing whatever needs to be done at the office. During the bus ride on my way home however, I realized I need to think about it already. Because I am such a girl, I changed my mind around 27 times during that bus ride. (No, I didn't count. I just feel like putting a figure out there. hehe)

I take the MRT from Magallanes to Trinoma every Wednesday. I'd rather be squished for 40 minutes (yes I timed it) than sit comfortably in a bus for 2 hours. If I'm lucky and arrive at the station before 4 pm, I am able to sit in the train. EDSA traffic is just horrible. Plus, the MRT is much more interesting than the bus. There are different people to observe, so much involuntary eavesdropping (and throwing thought bubbles about my take on the topic) haha. I'd take that over a boring, ass-flattening, classic FPJ or Vic Sotto-film viewing EDSA bus ride. (Provincial buses show pretty good movies though. I once rode a bus that showed Fast and the Furious 5 so I didn't have to watch it in the cinema.)

Sorry I have so much sub-kwentos. :) Aaaanyway! During the train ride, I didn't give the interview much thought because it was cramped, I was standing, and I was in a non-female coach. (The first four coaches of the train are exclusive for women, senior citizens and people with little kids. I hopped in a regular coach because I was rushing and didn't have time to run to the front.) When I got to the mall, I tried to distract myself by shopping. I ended up not buying anything even if I liked one shirt at Zara because I wasn't in the mood to spend. I mind was elsewhere.

I gave up and decided 'In case I change my mind at the last minute, I need to be pretty! (I know, I know, walang konek.) So I rushed to the FX terminal for a ride to SM Fairview where I can redeem my prepaid diamond peel session. I finished just in time for the mall's closing. When I got home, I picked two outfits just in case I want to go. I even washed my jeans.

Before I slept, I prayed to God to help me decide. I begged for an IN YOUR FACE sign. But anything will do, really. Told myself kung ano nararamdaman ko bukas ng umaga, yun ang desisyon ko. And then I went to sleep.

When I woke up, I delayed checking the time because if it was before or around 11 am, it means I have enough time to go to my interview. Anything past that, I'll end up haggard coz I'd be rushing. I gave up trying to go back to sleep. When I checked my watch, it was just 10:48. Ohgaaad. But I didn't take that as the sign. The big sign was how I felt and at that point, I felt heavy (okay, please don't take that literally!), I felt lazy. So I said 'okay I'm not going. If I need to drag my ass to leave this room, then my heart isn't totally into this.'

I assembled baked macaroni for lunch. (Yes, assembled because all I had to cook was the pasta.) I decided I'd eat in front of the TV. I checked the time, it was only 11:20- still enough time to change my mind. Just when I was about to take my first bite, it started to rain. It was a strong downpour. I instantly knew it was the in your face sign I begged for. If you know me, I hate the rain. It dirties my shoes, it causes traffic, and if super strong, my roof would leak. So I don't leave the house when it's raining.

Thank you Lord. :)

Little Miss Undecided

Last August 18 I took an exam as part of the application process for the masters program in Art Studies. For the longest time I wanted to study the arts so I can be its 'ambassador'. But it took them so long to inform applicants about the exam. And when they did, it was just three days before the date. The long wait and short notice made me rethink about going.

Well, I showed up anyway.

But after that exam, I knew instantly I was doomed. It was so difficult, I was clueless, and I could not fulfill the requirements of the essay (such as a 300 to 600 word essay for each question). My essays were at the average, 190 words. I was that clueless. I ranted to friends and even on twitter how I wanted to excuse myself and never come back to the exam room because I had nothing to write on my test paper!

Almost all my plans were based on the assumption that I was going back to school next semester. But that difficult exam made me shift priorities. Days after the exam, I started focusing real hard on work. I really exerted extra effort to understand the system and fix the inefficiencies. I want to have a smooth work system so I can look forward to working and earning and then investing and spending my money! I told myself I can always be an advocate of the arts. Since I'm not enrolling, I'll just focus on work, travel, and good shoes. I was personifying my new mantra 'ALWAYS MOVE FORWARD' to the letter.

Fast forward: Imagine my surprise when last Friday I received an email that I passed the exam and am up for interview.

My tweet right after reading the email.

Thing is, I DID NOT FEEL EXCITED AT ALL! I am happy, yes! Coz at least I'm not so dumb after all. But all I had was that 'Uy, seryoso pumasa ako? Nice!' - feeling. And then I knew I was in trouble.

I hate to admit this but I had other motivations for going back to school. One, at the time I was so into the idea, I just wanted to escape work. I wanted to rebel and tell my bosses 'you can't keep me here!' Two, I thought that whatever it is that I was afraid of doing back in college, I can do now. The third one, I'll keep to myself. I had the perfect reason why I wanted to study the arts- to push for arts and culture. I had the wrong motivation. Pushing for the arts was not enough. All all these is against 'moving forward'. It's like I'm buying time to 'extend' college.

But I came to realize that what I did not do in college, I cannot do now as 'pang bawi'. That I cannot keep making decisions based on temporary things and temporary people. I don't want to escape work anymore.

As of this writing, I feel like if I show up at the interview, it's only because I'd like to finish what I started with no intention to enroll. If I don't show up, wala lang. Maybe I'll line up for a cheer dance ticket or get a massage.

I don't want to let down the people who believe in me. Then again I cannot decide based on how others will think of me.

I'm disappointed. I feel like I never wanted anything so bad that I'd kill for it. Love, maybe. Can't really tell coz I have never been madly in love.

Yesterday Bianca Gonzales wrote 'my name is bianca, traveler, and i collect tumbling shots. i dream to tumble in many, many more places. :)

what is your passion, and what is your dream? :)'

Guess what? I can't answer it. Can you help me? Can you tell me what I'm good at? Coz I feel like I'm that girl who can do a little bit of everything, and have no expert skill to trade for if my life was on the line.

l

I wish I had more time to discover myself. You know, the kind of time where you're not just delaying the things you're supposed to do like papers, read things for work, run errands. That kind of time when you're not worried about having to pay your credit card and house bills, or what to cook for lunch and then dinner, or the mountain of soiled clothes waiting to be washed.

(Segue: You see when you're tasked to take care of meals, you're making lunch while thinking what to cook for dinner. Your brain is never really 'present'. Anyway...)

I wish I had more time to go to places and take pictures. I miss taking pictures. Never really got to sharpen my skills because I haven't got the time and the subject.

More time to hangout with friends who have good taste in music. I personally just get my music from whatever's playing on the radio when I commute, from tweets of friends or from youtube links people post on Facebook. Probably half the songs on my iTunes have not been played. This is why I do not own an iPod. It's never gonna be updated. I don't scour the Internet for new sounds, I don't know a lot musicians. That's why I like it when friends share 'underrated music'. (So please keep sharing!) Wish I had 'indie music' friends. HAHA

More time to watch movies. I'm not really into old movies. It makes me sleepy. I like the action-packed (Hollywood) films, a little drama and films in foreign languages. I have a few waiting to be viewed. If only I'm in the mood to read subtitles. :))

Okay I must end here. This is pointless ranting. I just want to post this so I can document my thoughts and have something to look back. :)

Hong Kong and Me

I'm back from a tiring but fun weekend in Hong Kong! Fa and I booked it randomly one night when Cebu Pacific announced a seat sale.

That's our view of Nathan Road from our window.

Anyway, I will not dwell on the details of the trip but rather, I'd like to list the things I discovered about myself during the trip.

1. I finally found my 'biggest' fear. It's getting lost (especially when you do not speak the local language). Weeks before the trip, I prepared out our itinerary, making sure I listed every turn and block we should not miss. I also had multiple copies of maps in my bag during the trip just in case we lose one. I guess that's the Taurus in me. I hate unfamiliarity. But I'm trying to push myself. Now I leave room for getting lost. It makes life interesting.

At Lan Kwai Fong, Central.

Sports cars are a common sight. High rollers, why not!

2. Found out I snore! Fa told me I was snoring during the plane ride back to Manila. HAHAHA I think it only happens when I'm dead tired and when I'm not in prone position.

3. I (still) want a new career. Not as an Art Studies student and teacher anymore. I've long accepted I failed the entrance exam. hehe Now I want to work in Disney! I want to be a performer there. haha I realized this when we watched the Lion King Festival. You see Lion King is my favorite (Non-princess) Disney movie. I'd watch it every weekend on VHS back when I was a kid (alternating it with Power Rangers sometimes). I knew in my heart I could sing those songs! Heck, I know them by heart. I know it's not the most glamorous job but it looks fun, exciting, and light! Disney is our version of Neverland!

The finale of Lion King.

No photo op session with the cast. :( We were led out of the hall right after the show.

That's about it I guess. I've been singing Disney songs since I got back last Sunday. Nakakaloka! If this does not wane off, I guess I really want to be in Disney. HAHA There's actually an audition for performers in HK in September 18. That would be very impractical though because: 1) I do not have money to book myself a ticket, 2) I am not prepared. I do not have an audition piece. I can sing, yes! But to set myself apart from the rest of the hopefuls, I should also prepare a spiel and maybe a dance number! HAHA CAREEEER! And 3) Maybe this is just a phase. Punky plans on auditioning too. She's an awesome dancer and has lots of friends who are now performers at Disney. Pretty cool noh? Punks suggested we wait for the Manila auditions. Last year they held one here, in partnership with Ballet Philippines, if I remember it right.

Anyway, one last photo I'd like to share.

The Abyss at Ocean Park taken from the highest point of the Ferris Wheel.

We rode the Abyss. Basically it takes you to the highest part of the tower at top speed and after a few seconds of anticipation, you are released and left practically free falling. You stop a few meters above the ground, go up again by a few meters, and then fall again. THAT WAS THE CRAZIEST 30 SECONDS OF MY LIFE.

*All my photos were taken using my Xperia Mini pro. I didn't bring my SLR since it was too heavy to lug around everywhere.