Dramatic noh?
* * *
A few days back was the college and university graduation which I was able to be part of as a member of the graduation committee of the CBA. It was really nice seeing all of them with their proud parents, taking photos with each and every batchmate they see. They were all so pretty and handsome in their graduation dresses and barongs that I felt the rush of excitement of the idea that in a year's time, I'll be in my own grad dress and doing the same things as well.
Some months before this momentous event, an academic scandal came out in our side of the fence. The BA-Econ 'country'. The buzz has been really loud. It involved a lot of professors, influential private people, and affluent students. And after the long scandalous and nerve-wracking (at least for them) wait, the University Council allowed these bunch of students to graduate with complete honors. To quote one of them, "naghagulgol kami sa saya. All 11 of us and our parents."
I was reading that blog entry and I felt a tinge of pain in my heart. It was then I realized that I cannot give my parents the joy and honor of awarding me on stage. It's not because I didn't try. I did. I really tried. But one too many times, I get lost somewhere in the middle of everything and lose track of what I am supposed to do or what I really want to achieve. Graduating on top, however, wasn't something my parents imposed on me. It's something I'm just used to and wanted to continue. In grade school and high school, I was always there. In the upper upper half of my batch. And it's something that came natural to me.
In the middle of that blog entry, I felt tears falling from my eyes. I couldn't help it. It something I thought I've already accepted way back the first semester of Junior year. Although, most of the time, I still find myself working so hard for a good grade, I always end up telling myself "I'm not running for honors anyway." An the mere thought of it kills me. In a way, it's a defense mechanism I guess. (Pampalubag-loob) I find myself doubting what I am capable of doing.
Then I run to my mom. I'd tell her how I feel about all these academic confusion. That I fear I'm not getting anywhere because I am not on top of my batch. However, I don't think I am too willing to undergo the trouble of getting into a scandal and all that shizz and eventually graduate with top honors. I am too afraid to go through it. I am too fragile to pick myself up. My mom knows how to make me feel better. She used my dad as her example. I'm guessing she wanted me to take a cue from my dad. Because I'm guessing she sees my dad in me. Where I am now, my dad was also here before. And I do hope, that where my dad is right now, I'll be there when I reach his age (or younger). And I want to be greater than my dad. I want him to be very proud of me. Prouder than he'll ever be. I want to learn so much from him. I wanna think the way he thinks. I want to work the way he works.
Maybe one day, when my mom learns how to surf the internet, or when my dad comes across this article, or maybe if my brothers feed them information on this, they will find it rewarding that I still want to give back to them the unconditional support that they've given me and my siblings. Maybe not through a medal, but I will.
p.s.
I admire THAT group for being really strong in those difficult times. I am not judging them because I do not know them personally. But regardless of the accusations, their strength and faith has been admirably strong.
p.p.s.
To the people who never stopped believing in me, thank you. To my orgmates in abam and adcore, moreover, to my friends who always stand by me when I'm down, you know who you are. I love each and everyone of you.
R and F, I love you both.
* * *
Find the happiness in yourself, and people will begin to see it. Cheers! ♥
* * *
A few days back was the college and university graduation which I was able to be part of as a member of the graduation committee of the CBA. It was really nice seeing all of them with their proud parents, taking photos with each and every batchmate they see. They were all so pretty and handsome in their graduation dresses and barongs that I felt the rush of excitement of the idea that in a year's time, I'll be in my own grad dress and doing the same things as well.
Some months before this momentous event, an academic scandal came out in our side of the fence. The BA-Econ 'country'. The buzz has been really loud. It involved a lot of professors, influential private people, and affluent students. And after the long scandalous and nerve-wracking (at least for them) wait, the University Council allowed these bunch of students to graduate with complete honors. To quote one of them, "naghagulgol kami sa saya. All 11 of us and our parents."
I was reading that blog entry and I felt a tinge of pain in my heart. It was then I realized that I cannot give my parents the joy and honor of awarding me on stage. It's not because I didn't try. I did. I really tried. But one too many times, I get lost somewhere in the middle of everything and lose track of what I am supposed to do or what I really want to achieve. Graduating on top, however, wasn't something my parents imposed on me. It's something I'm just used to and wanted to continue. In grade school and high school, I was always there. In the upper upper half of my batch. And it's something that came natural to me.
In the middle of that blog entry, I felt tears falling from my eyes. I couldn't help it. It something I thought I've already accepted way back the first semester of Junior year. Although, most of the time, I still find myself working so hard for a good grade, I always end up telling myself "I'm not running for honors anyway." An the mere thought of it kills me. In a way, it's a defense mechanism I guess. (Pampalubag-loob) I find myself doubting what I am capable of doing.
Then I run to my mom. I'd tell her how I feel about all these academic confusion. That I fear I'm not getting anywhere because I am not on top of my batch. However, I don't think I am too willing to undergo the trouble of getting into a scandal and all that shizz and eventually graduate with top honors. I am too afraid to go through it. I am too fragile to pick myself up. My mom knows how to make me feel better. She used my dad as her example. I'm guessing she wanted me to take a cue from my dad. Because I'm guessing she sees my dad in me. Where I am now, my dad was also here before. And I do hope, that where my dad is right now, I'll be there when I reach his age (or younger). And I want to be greater than my dad. I want him to be very proud of me. Prouder than he'll ever be. I want to learn so much from him. I wanna think the way he thinks. I want to work the way he works.
Maybe one day, when my mom learns how to surf the internet, or when my dad comes across this article, or maybe if my brothers feed them information on this, they will find it rewarding that I still want to give back to them the unconditional support that they've given me and my siblings. Maybe not through a medal, but I will.
p.s.
I admire THAT group for being really strong in those difficult times. I am not judging them because I do not know them personally. But regardless of the accusations, their strength and faith has been admirably strong.
p.p.s.
To the people who never stopped believing in me, thank you. To my orgmates in abam and adcore, moreover, to my friends who always stand by me when I'm down, you know who you are. I love each and everyone of you.
R and F, I love you both.
* * *
Find the happiness in yourself, and people will begin to see it. Cheers! ♥
2 comments:
mare, i may not be the supermost showy person on earth but as much as i can, i hope i make you feel how much i love you. (naks, this almost sounds lesbian)
anyway, our grade is not us! and as i always am, chill lang tayo! grades and medals are highly subjective metrics at the end of the day. but you know what, if i am learning anything good about myself from my internship, it's that my bosses are surprised i'm not running for a fancy latin honor. they say sa confidence palang pang suma nako! and mare kung ako yun, LALO PA IKAW! you've always been the most comfortable person (alone AND with others) in a crowd! o diba?
i love you!
Awwww mare!
Iyak talaga ako sa reply mo. grabeh.
I appreciate all the love and friendship that we have. Don't worry, I am convinced that you love me talaga.
So internship isn't so bad after all? hahaha I'm glad there exist bosses like them. (HIRE ME, HIRE ME, HIRE MEEEE!) :))
Anyway, each encouragement from you inspires me. You are an amazing woman and I am so proud to have you in my life. (heto nahawa na ako sa lesbo mode.)
I love you too, Mare!
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