I'm not self destructive, just always hopeful.

I'm a hopeless romantic. Anyone close to me will agree. Sometimes I'm too cheesy, I actually feel I need to explain why. But my mind would race too fast, every thought becomes a fleeting feeling, and I end up setting them aside in one compartment in my mind with a label 'Must Process ASAP'.

Processing emotions take so much effort. It also takes a lot of courage to admit to yourself how you really feel. It's hard to tell even your closest friends. When I feel like I can't say it to a friend, I write letters to myself. Once I wrote a letter for that one guy who'll paint for me a love like no other. The letters I make are so real, so genuinely true, that they put my hopes so high up that one day, if I stop believing, I'd shatter to pieces. That's the risk I deal with everyday.

You may ask why I bother being a romantic when being a non-romantic is so much more convenient and frankly, practical. If I choose to be a non-romantic, maybe I'll be less disappointed with the world. Maybe I won't have to feel that teeny bit of sting every time I couples on a date when I'm out alone. Maybe I won't have to doubt myself- if I'm even worthy of the grand kind of love. 

If I choose to be a non-romantic, maybe I'd be less emotional. I'll have less lonely nights. I'll have saved myself a few mini heart attacks. If I choose to be a non-romantic, the only thing that'd be more of is being a disappointment to myself. 

Because choosing to be a non-romantic means I'm refusing to share to the world the overflowing hopeful kind of love. The romantic in me feels that maybe, just maybe, if I keep throwing this kind of love all over the place, it's gonna hit someone so strong it'll bounce back to me.

Coz maybe we want that first heartbreak as much as we want that first love. It's a gauge of how much you could handle, and how much more you can. If you're lucky to find the right love at the first try, awesome. For those not as fortunate, they take home a story to tell. A lesson to share. They find a new strength and a new self. That's more than enough reason to try. 

Because maybe that new version is your best version. And your best version will only deserve the best kind of love there is. That grand kind you've been waiting for.

♥