I'm not self destructive, just always hopeful.

I'm a hopeless romantic. Anyone close to me will agree. Sometimes I'm too cheesy, I actually feel I need to explain why. But my mind would race too fast, every thought becomes a fleeting feeling, and I end up setting them aside in one compartment in my mind with a label 'Must Process ASAP'.

Processing emotions take so much effort. It also takes a lot of courage to admit to yourself how you really feel. It's hard to tell even your closest friends. When I feel like I can't say it to a friend, I write letters to myself. Once I wrote a letter for that one guy who'll paint for me a love like no other. The letters I make are so real, so genuinely true, that they put my hopes so high up that one day, if I stop believing, I'd shatter to pieces. That's the risk I deal with everyday.

You may ask why I bother being a romantic when being a non-romantic is so much more convenient and frankly, practical. If I choose to be a non-romantic, maybe I'll be less disappointed with the world. Maybe I won't have to feel that teeny bit of sting every time I couples on a date when I'm out alone. Maybe I won't have to doubt myself- if I'm even worthy of the grand kind of love. 

If I choose to be a non-romantic, maybe I'd be less emotional. I'll have less lonely nights. I'll have saved myself a few mini heart attacks. If I choose to be a non-romantic, the only thing that'd be more of is being a disappointment to myself. 

Because choosing to be a non-romantic means I'm refusing to share to the world the overflowing hopeful kind of love. The romantic in me feels that maybe, just maybe, if I keep throwing this kind of love all over the place, it's gonna hit someone so strong it'll bounce back to me.

Coz maybe we want that first heartbreak as much as we want that first love. It's a gauge of how much you could handle, and how much more you can. If you're lucky to find the right love at the first try, awesome. For those not as fortunate, they take home a story to tell. A lesson to share. They find a new strength and a new self. That's more than enough reason to try. 

Because maybe that new version is your best version. And your best version will only deserve the best kind of love there is. That grand kind you've been waiting for.

♥ 

Versions

Been feeling bummed all day today. Maybe it's the hormones. Or the weather (been raining the past 3 days and you know how I'm not friends with the rain). Or maybe there's something else that's been bothering me but I can't quite figure out what.

More often than not, when I'm feeling down, I gravitate toward the eternal topic of the heart. It didn't help that James Morisson is the star of my rainy day playlist and that I've been witnessing a lot of these 'strong emotions' lately. Yes, that's witnessing, not experiencing. hehe

Anyway, the nicer part of the day came in the evening. My college friend and blockmate Vincent just proposed to his girlfriend. I'm gonna let the video tell you about it.



After watching Vincent's proposal video, I started watching wedding videos which I shouldn't be doing coz...gets niyo na yun.

Anyway, enough chit chat. I wanted to write something because I need a reminder. I cannot tell anyone what I'm feeling. Don't even coerce me. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

I find myself overthinking something I'm not even feeling (yet?). Pinapangunahan, kumbaga. And I hate it. Because it's not the best version of me. It's my fucked up version. You see, I have a tendency to settle. It's just a tendency. It usually ends as soon as I recognize it because the bigger voice in my head would scream I DESERVE THE BEST. So into the bin goes the settling and hello again to my 'normal' self.

Because I'd rather be alone in my normal self than be alone in my fucked up version. Admitting to these strange but familiar feelings (YES, I SEE THE IRONY THERE) do not guarantee that I will not be alone. Admitting would only mean there are thoughts that will keep me up at night. Thoughts that remain as just thoughts when you wake up in the morning.

So don't ask me how I'm feeling. Coz I'm afraid to ask myself. Coz even if I knew the answer, I'm not gonna tell. If I don't tell, no one knows. If no one knew, then it never existed. And maybe, that's how it should be.

Birthday wish list!

Farrah requested that I make one so here goes. I just picked from my long list of wants. Yes, I keep a list so that when I feel I deserve a reward, I buy something that's on my list. The thing about being single is that I'm my own Santa / genie. hehe

1. Washi tapes! I'm craaaazy about them. They're too cute not to have! http://blog.quaintdesk.com/products-page/

2. Watercolor paper. Someone told me I should try watercolor during my free time (which I have a lot of). I got myself a basic Prang palette and a small 30-sheet Berkeley paper. My artist friends said I can't just do watercolor on any paper. The pigment should 'well' on the paper, thus, rough paper is recommended. I'd like to try the Canson brand next.

3. Handheld mixer. I've been dying try my hand at baking (using my toaster, hehe) I'm sure this is on my mom's list for the kitchen (or for me because I keep nagging her).

4. French press. Coffee making class has been on my list since forever but I have yet to find a class. In my recent trip from Siem Reap (which reminds me I must post my collages), I bought a bag of Ratanakiri coffee beans. I thought I'd replicate the coffee we had at the hotel. I can't really tell if the coffee beans are the best kind because I don't know much about coffee beans. I should really learn now.

5. Glass cookie jars. Nope, not for the kitchen. I'll be converting one part of the bar into a craft corner. I'll use the jars to store my washi tapes, gift ribbons and the rest of my art stuff. I'm excited to have a fancy craft corner at home. 

6. Of course the kikay me will want a share in the wish list. Benefit Hello Flawless Wow foundation. I won a sample sized bottle a month ago and I like it. Not LOVE it. Love is Smashbox 15 hour foundation. But this one is very good for chill days. 

7. Lastly, Tony Moly Jelly Bubble Spray. I wanted to bring this with me to Cambodia because I figured it'll be a long and hot trip. Unfortunately, it was out of stock. Hopefully I can get a bottle before summer ends.

That's about it! My birthday is a few days away.  I can still remember last year's celebration. A simple weekday dinner with Nano and Mau morphed into a 4-song concert and inuman with some football players. Totally unexpected but very much enjoyed that night. 

This birthday week I plan to see my favorite friends. Maybe spend my actual birthday with the whole family here at home and then hang out with friends in the evening.

I don't like worrying too much on how I'd celebrate my birthday. I have 364 other days to celebrate life. :)

Mommy's day

Spent the day with the whole family at the mall. Mom wanted to try North Park so we had lunch there. She also sent me and Joop to the salon to get a trim. That's where we heard the hilarious conversation I tweeted. hihi

Dinner at Bonchon. :)

PIPINO VEGAN CHALLENGE

Apartment friends and I decided to check out Pipino Vegetarian for dinner sometime last week. We're fans of Pino but never tried its vegetarian counterpart so I figured it'll be a nice change.

Honestly, I feel most of the dishes are bland (for my taste, at least). I personally expected that vegan restos would make up for the lack of meat through interesting and rich flavors. The only dishes I recommend are the vegetarian kare-kare (it's just Pino's bagnet kare-kare without the bagnet), vegetable tempura platter, the pancit canton (with buckwheat noodles), and the desserts.

The egg-less chocolate cake it most and yummy! Their ice creams are also interesting. I like the buco ice cream. Not a big fan of the chocolate and banana ice creams. hehe

And oh, the place is lovely! It's like a sosyal pre-school. So cute! It's a nice peg for a studio unit if you're into clean, fresh, spaces.

Clockwise: Ana, Carms, Berns,

my new washi tapes which I got earlier that day,

the Pipino work station, and with Mau.